Practicing a New Way to Soar
“Do what most enables you to fly, and brings a feeling to the heart that makes you glad to be alive.”
I must find a new way to be propelled in this world. It used to be gumption and gusto I called on. They appear briefly these days, long enough to tempt me to put them on like a pair of wings and fly, fly, thinking I am the old me again. Only to crash into the reality that I am not. Not because I don't want to be lifted by them to soar with joy and glee, but because my brain and body no longer work that way.
There comes a time when we realize we are not spring chickens anymore. Instead, our bodies are slower and stiffer, and gravity feels much heavier than before. For me, it's like someone has secretly added 50 pounds of lead into my spacesuit. Likewise, our minds are no longer steel traps. Instead, memories and new ideas slip out like sand through a sieve, gone, or maybe, if we are lucky, to be retrieved in bits and pieces later.
This time can come earlier for some due to illness and disease. Unfortunately, that is the case for me. I'm sixty years old now. I'm recovering from a rare neuro-autoimmune disease called MOG antibody, which mimics multiple sclerosis. It is a neurological, immune-mediated disorder with inflammation in the optic nerve, spinal cord and/or brain. The disease attacked my brain mostly. As a result, I've had to accept that my brain may never be the same.
Lucky for me, immunosuppressants have worked to chase away the fire-breathing dragon long enough for me to heal and regain most of my physical and mental faculties with no residual neurological pain. Doctors say I'm in remission. However, I like to believe the dragon has left my body, never to return. Instead, it leaves me with an unexpected gift, a built-in energy regulator, which gets me back to my burning question. How do I move in this world?
The old me often flew on the wings of gumption and gusto. But, you see, I was a workaholic, feeling I couldn't do enough to be enough. I believed that if I could just fly higher, I would be deserving of love. Then, out of nowhere, the MOG dragon knocked me right out of the sky and brought me to my knees.
It has already taught me to walk in humility and with self-compassion, and that
Grace requires nothing of me.
But is all my doing done?
No. I am being asked to find freedom in rest. My built-in regulator is my daily permission slip. I have felt this freedom, and at times the peace it brings feels like soaring.
If I am to do in this world, it's to co-create with God. And He will give me the energy needed. But first, I must sit in stillness every day to practice listening so that I may hear Him.